I've really been down in the dumps lately and last night I think I figured out why. Since I took my position as Junior Volunteer Coordinator at the hospital last summer I've been very motivated to get the kids involved in more around the hospital. My most recent project has been the NICU "Cuddler" program. My Junior Volunteers are now working in the NICU each evening. One each night goes in there for four hours and basically holds and cuddles sick/fussing babies. I think this is a great program. It is beneficial to the volunteers who hope to learn as much as possible to help them in their future medical careers. It is beneficial to the nurses that often wish they had five extra pairs of hands. Most of all it is beneficial to the premature and sick babies who will heal quicker with human touch.
All that being said...it really stinks for me. Since I started working at the hospital I've avoided the NICU. It absolutely breaks my heart to see sick babies without their parents. I know that parents can't be there all of the time for many, many reasons. I also know that they are getting amazing care and love while they are in there, but still it pulls at my heartstrings each time I walk in there. This has been the first week of the program so I've been checking on my volunteers a couple times a night. It has truly put me in a state of depression. God has blessed me with two healthy children and I don't know that I could have handled having a baby that needed to be in the NICU. Two of my friends that will likely read this have both had children in the NICU. They are stronger women than me is all I can say and I don't know how they got through it.
Danny really wants another baby and a couple of months ago I told him that I was 99% sure that I was not having any more. I would love to have another child, but I don't want to face another C-section. Since I've been in the NICU I'm 110% sure I'm not having another one. I don't want to risk having a sick baby. I know this sounds selfish...poor me and what I can't handle, but I'm just being honest. Tonight is the last night that I will need to check on my volunteers so hopefully my mood will change. TGIF!
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1 comment:
thanks for being so real with your fears!
i know that fear when you stand in the NICU -after scrubbing the skin off your hands for 5 minutes- and look around at all those sweet very sick babies. God is faithful to provide grace to move through life. only because He walked with me in the NICU with Henry and through Ollie's death do i still stand. i am in awe of His great compassion and love for us. never be afraid of what hard things you face because God alone walks through the fiery trials with us when we depend on Him. it is in our weakness that His power is made strong!!
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